And The Winner Is…

Friday October 9, 2009 5:12am:    President Barack Obama was awakened from a sound sleep this morning to be told he had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. At a hastily called press conference at The Bitter End in Greenwich Village former Ambassador to the UN John Bolton said Mr. Obama "should come back in three or four years when he’s actually done something.” He added that, “Peace grows out of the barrel of a gun, to quote somebody whose name escapes me. Peace is nuclear bombs and two million dead at Stalingrad and Kursk. Tell him to call back when he’s shown that kind of commitment to peace.” At his studios in Palm Beach, Florida unofficial Republican spokesmodel Rush Limbaug said, “The Nobel Committee has suicide-bombed itself. And they don’t even believe in Allah. Do they?”

Saturday October 10, 11am: Today Helen Mueller surprised the literary world by turning down the Nobel Prize for Literature saying, “I don’t speak Dutch.” The committee then awarded the Prize to first runner-up from Hawaii, President Barack Obama for his narrative non-fiction and political writing. At a hastily called press conference in Bemidji, Minnesota unofficial Republican Spokesman Rush Limbaugh said, “First Roumania (I can’t even spell it.) then Kenya. I mean come on. Alfred Nobel was an Englishman for gods sake.

Monday October 12, 2009 12:22pm: The Environmental Protection Agency announced today that President Barack Obama has received the highest fuel economy ratings of any American made car (42 highway, 36 city). At a hastily called press conference in Keokuck, Iowa Representative John Boehner (R. OH) called for immediate impeachment hearings to investigate the President for conflict of interest saying, “He is the executive in charge of the Cash For Clunkers Program. Republicans want to know how many Americans traded in their gas guzzlers for a Barak Obama Sedan SE300 with the optional sports package thereby lining the personal pockets of the President of the United States.” Responding for the Democrats Representative Barney Frank (D. MA) said, “I don’t have a clunker to trade in, but I’d love to pick up four grand on John Boehner.”

Tuesday October, 13th 7:15 am: The Vatican announced today that Pope Benedict XVI has beatified President Barack Obama. “This is just a preliminary step,” he quipped, “to eventual sainthood.” Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Salem, Massachusetts Republican pundit Charles Krauthammer accused the Pope of pandering to Kenyan Animists. Then his head exploded. A spokesperson for Kaiser Permanente said Mr. Krauthammer’s medical coverage had been rescinded because of his failure to reveal his ju-ju as a pre-existing condition.

Tuesday October 13th, 5:32 pm: The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced today it will be awarding its Irving Thalberg Lifetime Achievement award to President Barack Obama for his body of work in a beloved series of political thrillers that have charmed and terrified the nation. At a hastily called press conference in Needles, California Governor Arnold Schwarzneggar cried (according to an aide fluent in stage dialects), “Ach Mein Gott! A Tony award for best supporting actor, maybe. An Emmy for ensemble performance possibly, an Obie for whatever the hell they give Obies for, ok. But this is outrageous.” Immediately following this oddsmakers in Las Vegas adjusted the World Series odds from “5 to 2 Yankees over Phillies” to “8 to 7 Obama over Yankees.”

Wednesday October 14th, the stroke of Noon: Today at his press conference in the Rose Garden President Barack Obama ascended bodily into heaven as an angelic choir of cherubim and seraphim sang The Hallelujah chorus from Ben-Hur by Elmer Bernstein and peace and brotherhood prevailed throughout the lands and among the peoples of the earth. At a hastily called press conference in Boones Lick, Kentucky, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R. KY) said, “Let’s see him pass a healthcare bill from up there.”