The Infancy Gospel Of Little Donny Big
Note: This translation of The Infancy Gospel of Little Donny Big is the result of a serious attempt to define as nearly as possible the text of this gospel in its original form as it was written down in the middle of the 20th century. It is based primarily on early mimeograph manuscripts written in Pig Latin, B Language, Long Island Draw, Haitian Creole and a variation in Jamaican Patois scrawled in chalk on the playground walls of various Public Schools in Flushing Meadows and Corona Park. Additional fragments of text have been recovered from concrete blocks attached to the feet of decaying corpses in the Gowanus Canal and Jamaica Bay, although these are controversial and are currently being curated by the New York Police Department as evidence in various ongoing criminal investigations. These texts appear to represent the story in an earlier form than one sees today on the internet and in the social clubs in Queens, in the Brooklyn Public Library in such collections as The Gospel According To Tony of Rego Park, Legends Of The Fall Guy and Sicilian Psalms For The Missing And Presumed Dead .
2 Little Donny Big miraculously clears the water after rain.
4 Plays with trash, which he brings to life on the Sabbath day (uh oh, not cool).
I, Jimmie the Shill, being a lifelong Republican, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Democrat Party of Faithless Atheists and Godless Communists the actions and miracles of The President in his childhood, which our Great Leader and President Donny Big wrought after his birth in Jamaica Estates in the Borough of Queens in our fair city, at which I myself, was completely blown away; the beginning of which goes like this.
2 When Donny Big was a little little kid, like five years old, and there had been a downpour, which was now over, Little Donny was playing in the ‘hood with his homies by an open fire hydrant and the water running into the street stood in little scummy pools by the curb; 3 But the waters instantly became clear and clean again; he having smote them only by his word, they readily obeyed him. Yeah, water obeyed him. This is what I’m saying.
4 Then he took from the gutter some really gnarly litter that was spilling out of the trash can there like it always does (’cause they never pick up in this neighborhood, what is wrong with the Dept. of Sanitation, it’s not like we don’t pay taxes like everybody else), and formed out of it twelve pigeons; and there were other boys playing with him.
5 But a certain person of the Jewish persuasion (need I say it’s always the Jews) seeing the literal shit he was into, namely, his forming this scummy gunk into figures of pigeons on Saturday no less, went presently away, and told his Old Man Freddie the T aka Fredo Large who was very busy evicting tenants and generally applying his very intimidating business acumen to his debtors, and said,
6 Yo, Fredo, your kid is playing by a fire hydrant over there on Henly Road, and has taken some litter out of the gutter, and formed it into twelve pigeons, and this is not kosher on account of it is the Sabbath or hadn’t you heard.
7 Then Fredo concluding his business with his former clients in an expedited and occassionaly coercive but entirely legal manner (I don’t want to to hear anything about that.) came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, “Why are you playing with shit in the street? That is disgusting not to mention it is the Sabbath for some people who I won’t go into their dubious background but nevertheless.”
8 Then did Little Donny Big clapping together the palms of his little hands (but not that little, they were maybe even big for his age), call to the pigeons, and said to them “Go, take flight; and while ye live remember me.”9 So the pigeons fled away making all kinds of typical pigeon noise. I swear to God. I have heard this from many many people.
10 The Jews seeing this, were like they utterly lost their shit, and went away, and told their rabbi what a strange ass miracle they had seen wrought by Little Biggie D. Because these people, they are always complaining about something that it is none of their business in the first place.
2 Causes a boy to wither who messed with his puddle;
6 Partly restores him.
7 Kills another boy. I am not making this up.
16 causes blindness to fall on his accusers, (where is this gonna end?)
18 for which, Fredo Large pulls him by the ear and lives to tell the tale (obviously, or how would we even know this).
1 BESIDES this, Annas the son some local newpaper scribe, was standing there with Fredo the L and took a 2x4 that he claimed was just lying around on the sidewalk, but probably he lifted it from the lumberyard, I’m just saying this is what I heard, and scattered the waters which Donny had gathered into puddles in the street. 2 But my Little Donny Big seeing what he had done, became angry, and said to him, “Thou fool, what harm did those puddles do thee, that thou shouldest scatter the water?
3 Behold, now you are now gonna go through some things, like thou shalt wither as a tree, and shalt not bring forth either leaves, or branches, or fruit.”
4 And immediately this dude Annas became withered all over. It was like really fucked up.
5 Then Donny went away home. But the parents of the boy who was withered, lamenting the misfortune of his youth, took and carried him to Fredo at his place of business on Grand Central Parkway where it crosses over Midland Parkway, accusing him, and said, What kind of fucked up shit is this Freddy? Why dost thou keep a son who is guilty of such actions?
6 Then Donny seeing that this could look bad in the press ‘cause the kid’s old man worked for the Post did heal him, leaving only some small injury to his person, like he was a bit of gimp after that, so that he was known thereafter as Hopalong Annas, that they might show him some kind of respect if they knew what was good for them.
7 Another time Donny was just walking down the street minding his own business and some stupid kid running by, rushed upon his shoulder. Like boom and he messed up Donny’s shit just like that.
8 At which Donny being angry, said to him, “You shall no longer go around like that.”
9 And he instantly fell down dead. Just like that. Like boom and you’re dead. You can ask around. This is common knowledge. You don’t have to take my word for it.
10 Which when some persons saw, they said, What is up with this kid, he’s like a walking disaster area, that every thing which he says somebody gets whacked. Like who died and made him president?
11 Then the parents of the dead boy going to Fredo, complained, saying, Are you serious? You are not fit to live with us, in the borough of Queens, having such a boy as that:
12 Either teach him some freakin’ manners, or else depart hence with him, for he is a child-killer not to mention that he is a child killer. If you see what I did there.
13 Then Fredo calling the boy Little Donny, instructed him, saying, What is wrong with you? Were you born in a barn that thou doest such things to injure the people so that they write nasty stuff on Page Six in spite of the fact I call Suzy on the phone personally and plead with her till I’m blue in the face?
14 But Donny replied, “Dad Dad Dad. These things happen among friends from time to time and you gotta look the other way out of respect. And by the way that kid was a disgrace, his mother was a hooker and his old man was a pimp. This is what peope are saying. I’m only repeating what I heard.”
15 “But they who have said these things to thee and printed this filth in the Post, certain things shall befall them which it will be unfortunate but nevertheless.”
16 And immediately everyone who worked at the Post became blind,
17 And all they who saw it were exceedingly afraid and confounded, and said concerning him, This kid is trouble, that whatsoever he saith, whether good or bad, immediately cometh to pass and they were exceedling dumbfounded and shocked to shit to put it mildly.
18 And when they saw this action of Little Donny Big, Daddy Fredo arose, and plucked him by the ear, at which the boy was angry, and said to him, “It is enough for you to seek me and to find me.” And Little Donny Big let it go at that, so let’s face it, it could have been worse for Fredo Large, given the nature of the thing.
1 Astonishes this big shot by his learning.
A CERTAIN big shot named Zacky, standing in a certain place, heard Little Donny Big speaking these things to his father.
2 And he was much surprised, that being a child he should speak such things; and after a few days he came to Fredo, and said,
3 That’s a handsome kid you got there, with a head on his shoulders, send him to me, and I will teach him how things go down in Queens. If you follow me.
So this bigshot (who was maybe not such a bigshot as he let on because other people said I have heard otherwise but no matter), flattering him, took him into the place of business at his warehouse by the Gowanus Canal where you don’t see a lot of cops and a person can come and go without anybody knows it. But Little Donny Big was silent. And this alleged bigshot wrote the alphabet for him and began to teach the meaning of the letters. And he went through the whole thing from alpha to omega (or possibly Z). But the boy did not answer him.
9 Then Little Donny Big said by himself all the letters from alpha to omega (or maybe it was Z, I think it was Z) with much care and clearly, like badda bing badda bang badda boom. Looking straight at this alleged bigshot he said, “Not knowing the meaning of the alpha according to its nature, how can you teach another the meaning of the beta? Hypocrite! If you know, first teach me the alpha and then I will trust you to speak of the beta.” And he said, “Alpha is for Assaulting a Police Officer. Beta is for Bookmaking. Gamma is for Grand Theft Auto. Delta is Disseminating Indecent Material To Minors In The First Degree.” And so on.
6 1 And after this bigshot heard such a description of the meaning of the letters Little Donny Big had said, he said, “Woe is me for I have brought shame down upon myself.
12 “Take this boy away from me, brother. This boy simply is not of this Earth; he can tame fire. He will own high rises and office buildings. His name will be a brand name to reckon with that they will affix it to towers and he will go on television. He could be President of the United States. And Roy Cohn will teach him everything he knows, which I don’t need to tell you is a whole hell of a lot even if the majority of it is crap I wouldn’t feed a pig. Perhaps this boy existed before the flood of Noah. What kind of womb bore him? What kind of mother reared him? I thought to gain a foot soldier but he is a made man before me. (I know Roy would have a bit of an issue with this particular passage but I report it anyway and I would add that this guy’s warehouse in Gowanus went up in smoke very early one morning in the middle of a rainstorm, nor did they ever find the body.)
12 Astonishes another big shot. Same song, different verse.
10 1 And at the time when Fredo The Large was doing business in a totally legitimate manner, he was making investments in certain stocks, which I won’t mention details on account this is
proprietary information but you can DM me and I will send you a link to subscribe to my market newsletter Jimmie the Shill Takes Stock with some very nifty under-the-radar investment opportunities, and Little Donny Big seeing this, he bought a a single share for one dollar himself and lo
2 He turned into one hundred large which is to say ten thousand samolians and he gave it to the poor and the orphans because who needs money when you’re born on third base and you think you hit a triple. (Compare with The Letter to the Yankees of St. Billy of Martin 5: 15 and also The Gospel of the Credulous According to Joel of Osteen. 10:30)
8 1 And again, after many days, Little Donny Big was playing with other children on a certain roof of an upstairs room. I don’t want to say how high up but you get the picutre. And one of the children fell and died. The other children, seeing this, went to their homes. And they left Donny alone. 2 The parents of the dead child came and accused Little Donny saying, “You threw our kid offa the roof.” But Donny said, “I did not throw him offa no roof.”
3 And while they were raging and shouting, Donny came down from the roof and stood beside the body and cried out in a loud voice saying, “Zeno, Zeno—for this was his name— rise and say if I threw you offa the roof.” And he rose and said, “No, Donny. You were nowhere near that roof and if you were, you didn’t do it and if you did, you probably had a good reason.” When they saw, they were amazed and the parents of the child praised God for these wonders.
12 1 And Fredo Large saw his prudence and understanding and wished him not to be unacquainted with matters of the Law. So he handed him over to another big shot. And this Big Shot said, “What is loansharking?”
2 But the boy said, “First tell me what is extortion and I will tell you what loansharking is.” Becoming irritated, this idiot Big Shot who clearly had anger management issues, struck him. And Little Donny cursed him and the big shot fell and died. I mean what did this guy expect? Was he not paying attention to events that were transpiring?
3 And the boy went home to his parents. And Fredo Large called his mother and commanded her, “Do not let him out of the house so that those who make him angry do not get whacked.” Which was a a prudent thing to do under the circumstances.
13 1 And after some days, again another local tradesman whose name was Don Papa said to his father Fredo, “I kiss your hand. Come, brother, give him to me into my place of business where I am the proprietor on Mott Street in Little Italy so that with flattery I might be able to teach him the finer points of finance like how to float a loan with Deutsche Bank when no American lending institution will touch you with a ten foot pole.
2 And going into the Mott Street Social Club, for that is what they called it, he found a book lying in a room in the back. And taking it, he did not read what was written in it but, opening his mouth, he described in mesmerizing detail such lucrative criminal enterprises as money laundering, bank fraud and insider trading that the proprietor sitting opposite listened to everything gladly and encouraged him so that he might say more about suborning witnesses, threatening countersuits and bribing judges, and the crowd standing there were astonished at his ruthless and savvy words.
3 And Fredo quickly ran to the social club suspecting this proprietor may have created an unfortunate misunderstanding and might already be going through some things. But the proprietor said to Fredo, “You did not deliver a disciple to me, but a teacher.” (I know we’ve heard this before but it bears repeating, so I include it here.)
15 1 And when Little Donny Big was twelve years old his parents went as usual to Sullivan Street for the festival of St. Anthony of Padua. But as they headed back to the F Train (You could also take the D and transfer to the F at Bryant Park and save a couple of minutes.), Little Donny stayed behind in Little Italy. His parents did not know, assuming him to be on the F Train, which as always was crammed in like sardines on Sunday ‘cause it comes like what every 30 minutes if you’re lucky.
2 They went a day’s journey (That’s what it feels like, anyways.) back to Jamaica Estates and they looked for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they returned to Sullivan Street to the Festival of St. Anthony to search for him. After three days they found him in the Social Club at Mott Street sitting in a room in the back among the capos and their lieutenants, listening to them and asking them questions. And those listening to him were amazed how he questioned the capos and explained the main points of the law concerning fraudulent conveyence and kidnapping for ransom and the riddles of the tax code and the parables of the prophets Luciano and Capone and Gambino and especially Vinnie the Chin, who wandered around Little Italy in his bathrobe and no one could prove if he was a mafioso pretending to be a crazy man or a crazy man pretending to be a mafioso but basically he was crazy like a fox if you want my opinion.
3 And his mother said to him, “Child, why did you do this to us? Look, we have been searching for you in great anxiety and distress.” Donny said to them, “Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in Don Papa’s house?”
4 And the made men and their lieutenants said to Mrs. Fredo Large, “Are you the mother of this child?” And she said, “Who wants to know?” And they said to her, “Blessed are you, because the Lord God has blessed the fruit of your womb. For such a head for business, and glory of virtue we have never seen nor heard. He could be President someday.”
5 And Little Donny Big rose from there and followed his mother and was obedient to his parents. And she treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart. And Little Donny Big increased in wisdom and in years (and got into Fordham and also Wharton) and in grace before God and men. To whom be the glory forever, amen.
6 Seriously. I kid you not. You cannot make this shit up.