Dear Let's Face It, Everybody's Talking

Dear Let’s Face It, Everbody’s Talking,

I’m gonna do this from a place of love, cause I love you, I really do, I care so much about you. I have watched you since you were a kid, growing up in town, taking some cute Republican to the church social and then kissing a Democrat behind the union hall, playing baseball with the Knights of Columbus and then running off to Burning Man when you couldn’t take it anymore. And I always said someday that kid is gonna grow up into a fine upstanding member of the community and we are gonna be so proud, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred time. But hoenstly now, you are not fooling anybody anymore. We see you sneaking off to his rallies with your dubious friends. Coming home at all hours in your fancy red hat. Strolling into church with your AK-47 just as innocent as you please. So I think I gotta just come out and say it here, cause somebody’s gotta do it and it might as well be me, cause I know all about love and affairs of the heart and I know all about cheating and being cheated on and I know all about that crazy wild thing that happens when you fall in love, it’s like crack cocaine, it truly is. You look in his eyes and you go my oh my where have you been all my life with your fancy comb over and your long red tie and your powder blue eye shade. But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy here and say it to your face and hope for the best because the truth will out, Shakespeare said that so it must be true, cause here it is in black and white: This Guy Is Just No Good. He’s Bad. He’s Bad For You. You hear me now? He’s a big old world of bad and he’s hurtin’ on you. And it’s not just me. We all see it. We all know what’s going on here. What else do you think we are talking about when you come traipsing into the coffee shop with your shiny new talking points, you don’t even have your own mug here anymore. There I said it. He’s bad. And he’s all bad. All the good’s gone out of him, if there ever was any. He is a selfish, conceited, I mean I know he’s cute and all, and I watch him on TV just like everybody, but I look at you looking at him when he’s on and I say to myself, he is messing with your head and why don’t you see what’s going on in front of your face. He is up to no good and it’s gonna end in tears. It’s gonna be an up all night, drink every thing in the cellar, eat every thing in the fringe kinda night. And you’re gonna be so sick you’re gonna wish you were dead. Cause can’t you see how he doesn’t respect you? He doesn’t. He’s got no respect for anyone. And I know it makes you mad to hear it, but maybe it feels just a little bit good cause the best part of you knows it’s true. He’s a liar. A shameless baldface liar. He’s a cheat. I’m telling you I have seen him in the halls of congress, and I mean that in every sense of the word, in the halls of congress and he is playing footsie and slapping asses and his hands my lord I don’t know how you can put those stubby fat hands on your body. And I don’t think I am being harsh. No I do not. And I know I’m running on at you and you think I just don’t get you, I just don’t love you anymore, maybe I never did, but I do. I did. I always have. You got into trouble with that Nixon fella at your fancy downtown hotel, he took off in a helicopter with a get out of jail card, did I tell your Mama? And that old rogue Reagan who stole your Daddy’s pension and gave it to his Wall Street cronies, did I throw that in your face? You’ve just got to wake up here and smell the Red Bull. You’ve got to step back and get a grip. And I know we all just wanna be bad sometimes, we all wanna cut loose and say screw you to the whole wide world, but hey, go kick a dog, go run a red light, go racing down Main Street with Ted Nugent blasting out of your backseat woofer and scare some little old lady half to death. But please please please give this guy his walking papers. He talks so smooth and he’s made of money and he’s got his famous friends, you know who I’m talking about, that grizzly old ghoul of a former Mayor, he looks like something out of Hieronymous Bosch and that little Russian hoodlum, his eyes ain’t right. I know it’s sexy. I know it’s fancy. They know all the fine wines and price of West Texas Intermediate. But they just wanna drill you sideways like you are the Permian Basin. And I now you think it’s easy for me to say cause where was I when he first sashayed into town, talking trash about Mexicans and fighter pilots and his pretty botox wife in tow. I kept my mouth shut and I hoped it wouldn’t last. To my everlasting regret. Cause I don’t want to see you end up that way again where the guy gets into your bed and the next thing you know he’s invading Iraq and crashing the stock market and you wake up one day and your IRA ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on. You see the pattern here? It’s a pattern. Don’t blame the guy. It’s co-created, as my therapist would say. I co-created a few of my own, I freely admit that fella nearly talked my socks off and then one day some pretty little intern is on her knees in his Oval Office and there’s a dry-cleaning bill that’s gotta be paid. So I know. I’m not perfect. I’m human. And so are you. You are just so human it hurts me to say it. Now you just gotta walk away from this guy. Just slam the door and walk away. Forget about Korea. Korea was fun, but it’s over. It’s done. And honestly now, Kim jong un? What is it with you and the fancy hair boys? He promised you a wall. Did you ever get a wall? No and you never will. You will wait for that wall till hell won’t have it. Look you’ll always have Charlottesville. No one can take that away from you. (Not that anybody wants to.) But please, for your own good, step away from the Info Wars, go buy yourself a case of Orange Crush and watch him on the reruns. They’re playing all night on The Learning Channel. And yes I mean that metaphorically. Believe me you will thank me one day. You will see him one day walking down the street coming out of McDonald’s with a supersize slurpy and a big bag of burgers and you will look him and you will say what the hell did I ever see in that guy? What the hell was that all about? That boy is wearing powder blue eye shade. What kinda boy does that? And you will chalk it up to love is blind and we will all nod our heads and say uh huh it is, love is blind. But let me tell you something. And I say this cause I care. You were blind as a bat and deaf as a post and dumber than mud, but we all still love you. And that is the god’s honest truth is what that is.

We Sit Here In Bewilderment Shaking Our Heads

(Cause you can turn up your nose and have yourself a conniption fit the size of Lake Ponchartrain and not hear a word I have said, that’s your god given right, but you will not be sitting down at my dinner table any time soon asking me for money cause you are working nights and weekends over at the Walmart and they are paying you in Chinese yuan. And don’t come crying to me when your buddy Harley Davidson is speaking with an English accent. And what is that I hear? They are playing The Russian National Anthem down at the hockey game and EVERYBODY IS SINGING ALONG!)