by
James Shankman
copyright © 2001

Characters

Rene Descartes the 17th century philosopher
Michael Mander   A serious young man.
Greg Marsolais     His roommate. A prep school hippie.
Philip                   A very eloquent drug dealer.
Andy Straper       His other roommate. Abnormally straight and studious.
Eddie Grandy      A freaked out jock
Fred                   A lackadaisical stoned person
Frank                 An equally lackadaisical stoned person and his constant companion.
Tira                    Very friendly and matter of fact. Into sex.
Mr. Marsolais    Greg’s father
Mrs. Marsolais  Greg’s mother

The play takes place in the college dormitory suite of Michael, Greg and Straper at Princeton University. The suite has a living room, a single bedroom and a double bedroom.

The time is the early 1970s. It is an ealy Friday afternoon in the Fall.

Act One
Scene 1

[Darkness. We hear a voice, quiet but intense, whispering something of great importance.]

MICHAEL
Hey, did my brother call?
GREG
Hi, how am I? I’m fine. How are you?
MICHAEL
I’m fine.
GREG
That’s nice. How was my day? My day was pretty much the usual run of the mill boring bullshit academic nonsense. How was your day?
MICHAEL
Oh, my day. My day was filled with a veritable treasure trove of overwhelming insights into the fundamental nature of things as they appear and things as they are, the noumenal and the phenomenal, the in itself and the of itself and the for itself and the by itself and the in and of itself for the other and the of and for itself in pure being and becoming as disclosed to the other in its selfsame being as thing in itself---
GREG
Ok, Ok, enough. Enough. You have to stop reading that philosophy shit. It has changed your head. I am no longer comfortable sleeping in the same dorm as you. I’m not comfortable sleeping on the same planet as you. I’m not sure I am sleeping on the same planet as you.
MICHAEL
So did my brother call or not?
GREG
Wow, déjà vu. Where have I heard that before? I feel like I’ve been here before , standing right here and you’ve been right there standing right there and you asked me the exact same question. And each time you ask me I tell you, no he hasn’t called. Is that eerie or what? Am I psychic or what?
MICHAEL
Excuse me. I am expecting a call, a longdistance call from halfway around the world and all I want to know is did I miss it or not?
GREG
As far as I know you didn’t miss it since I haven’t been out of the room except to take a whiz. Ok?
MICHAEL
Ok, thanks. I really don’t want to miss him. He doesn’t get to call very often anymore.
GREG
Why don’t you call him?
MICHAEL
What like: “Hey Ma Bell, can you connect me with firebase charlie in the Mekong Delta and tell Corporal Mander to get his ass over to the telephone, roger wilcoe over and out?” You think that might work?
GREG
[Picks up the phone. Speaks with a singsong Vietnamese dialect]
Hello, this Glorious Ho Chi Minh Dry Clean and Dumpling house #1 at corner of Ho Chi Minh Trail and Mekong River. No we no got no Corporal Mander’s Ass here. We got General Tso’s Chicken. We got hot and sour dumpling. We got one-hour martinizing. You like to talk to boss? It a free country.
MICHAEL
No, it’s a military dictatorship in the guise of proletarian democracy.
Greg
Picky picky picky. Which reminds me. Really great Lydia from Vassar is coming down next month and she is bring with her a Friend.
MICHAEL
A Friend?
GREG
A Friend for you.
MICHAEL
How do you mean this?
GREG
I mean she is bringing a friend who wants to meet you. And I would rate her as only slightly less sensational than really great Lydia.
MICHAEL
Really?
GREG
Oh yes.
MICHAEL
Really? The really great one for you and the slightly less sensational one for me?
GREG
Only slightly. Barely noticable. You might not even be able to tell which is which unless I tell you.
MICHAEL
And where are they going to stay?
GREG
With us.
MICHAEL
No, I mean where with us?
GREG
Right here with us.
MICHAEL
Seriously? I mean she hasn’t even met me.
GREG
Lydia told her all about you. She likes you already.
MICHAEL
Seriously? I mean she hasn’t even met me.
GREG
Wow, I am having like déjà vu all over again. Twice in one day. Have you ever had a déjà vu that you were having a déjà vu?
MICHAEL
I mean where is she going to sleep
GREG
In your bed, Michael.
MICHAEL
In my…. In my…. My bed? She’s going to stay in my bed and she’s never even met me?
GREG
Have you changed the sheets lately?
MICHAEL
I can’t believe this. This only slightly less sensational than really great girl who I don’t even know…
GREG
Margaret…
Michael
… (Margaret) is coming to stay in my bed with me. I can’t believe this.
GREG
You are so cute. I could eat you up.
[Greg comes over and gives Michael a great big suffocating hug.]
MICHAEL
No, no. Homo. Homo. Queerness. Let go. Let go.
Greg
You are so cute.

Michael
Homosexual!
Greg
I am very attracted to you.
Michael
No! Rape. Homosexual rape. Somebody help me.
[Greg lets go of Michael.]
Greg
You don’t have to shout it to the whole world.
Michael
You are so queer.
Greg
Tell it to my draft board.
[Blackout.]

Scene Two

Michael
[On the phone.]
Yes, I’ll wait. I’ll wait. David. David. How the hell are you? Can you hear me? Good. Good. So how the hell are you? Are you ok? Good. What’s going on? Are you allowed to talk about that stuff? Khe Sanh? Where’s Khe Sanh? I never heard of it I don’t think. Is it safe? You better be someplace safe, man. I hope you are keeping your head down as they say. Yeah? Good. That’s what I like to hear. Have you talked to Mom? When? Well you should call her. Lemon squares? Lemon squares? In a tin? A puddle of decomposing lemon flavored sugar in a tin is what I would imagine. Good old Mom. Did you share it with your friends? Good boy. I can’t believe you’re over there, man. You better be someplace safe, man. And don’t volunteer. Right? Never volunteer. For anything. Don’t be a hero, Davey. Be a smart jewish boy and come home in one piece. No I don’t miss you. I can’t stand the sight of you. I’m just telling you for your own sake. Seriously. So where is Khe Sanh? Fine, never mind, never mind. It’s probably on the CBS Evening News right now. You’re probably a celebrity and you don’t even know it. When are you coming home, I mean you know you’re tour duty or whatever they call it? Jesus, man. You better be someplace safe is all I can say. And how come you never call me? You never call. You haven’t called once. This is the first time in I don’t know how long. No, I don’t miss you. You’re a very tiresome, overbearing person. I can’t stand to be ten minutes in the room with you before my blood pressure starts to rise at an alarming rate and that is just the sad truth of it. Well I just wanted to know you’re alive. Yes, I figured you were from the sound of your voice. What are you doing over there, David? What are you trying to prove? You think he’s even paying attention? You want to know what he said to me? He said you ought to be over there too. I said why, isn’t one son enough? I did too. He said because it’ll make a man out of you. A man out of you. I said, yeah it could make a dead man out of me, Dad. Is that what you want? He just gave me the look, that you-sad-pathetic-creature look. No, don’t go. Don’t. I want to talk. Well, reverse the charges. Well, next time reverse the charges. Ok, Ok. Yeah me too. So call me. Or send me a postcard. Tan tahitian girls with tiny tater tits. Call me. Bye Dave. [At some point it becomes clear, he is no longer talking to David.] I’ll be seeing you. Keep your head down. Don’t volunteer. Say your prayers. Keep your powder dry. Don’t fall asleep on guard duty. Come home soon. Don’t sit under the apple tree. Love it or leave it.

Scene 3

[Philip and Michael are sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.]

Philip
Kant is very cool. Still makes sense. Even today. I would say. The Transcendental Aesthetic, man. [This makes him laugh to himself]. Weird, man. But very influential. And the Transcendental Analytic. Now that is very amazing, if you can dig it. I mean if you can handle that, you can handle just about anything in Western Philosophy, Hegel. Heidegger. [Michael is writing this down.] I wouldn’t worry about those cats for now. They are like the evolutionary apex of Western Man, like the pinnacle of academic philosophy. You should start at the beginning, man. Wittgenstein says “It is difficult to begin at the beginning and not try to go back further.”
[Bit of a long pause on that one.]
Michael
Wow. That is so cool.
Philip
Yeah. See, you should read Descartes, man. The first guy to say, OK, I am a modern western philosopher. This is not theology anymore. This is philosophy.
Michael
Isn’t Descartes considered sort of a joke? Seriously.
Philip
Man, Descartes was this unique and wonderful cat who sat in an oven all day trying to think the world away until he finally convinced himself it wasn’t real. Which it ain’t necessarily. You gotta read the man. And then read him again until you start believing what he is saying to you. Cause you don’t start to dig on the truly great thinkers until you find yourself sitting there saying, “Wait a minute, man this guy could be right.” And then you are on the right wavelength. Then you can go on and get high on the next cat historically.
Philip
Wanna do one more? I think you’ll find it builds to a nice dreamy high. A nice touch of visual enhancement. A very mellow head.
Michael
Ok, yeah.

Philip
You have any need for psychedelics?
Michael
Well, I pretty much stick to dope.
Philip
I dropped regularly when I was reading Kant. Very entertaining.
Michael
You really do that?
Philip
Man, you have to use any means at your disposal to attain enlightenment. It’s not like a game you play where you don’t break any rules and you have a little fun. You’ve gotta break all the chains and get your head completely free of its usual conditioning.
Michael
Ok, yeah.
Philip
Drugs are a legitimate tool. This is what Suzuki is talking about in Zen Satori only he talks about hitting cats on the head with logs as a form of awakening.
Michael
What?
Philip
You should read that for sure, man. And the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. See it’s all just getting high. The whole history of the intellectual development of the world is just a succession of guys trying to get high in various ways.
Michael
Wait. Now I don’t agree with that. I mean there are real problems, questions, and there are supposed to be answers. Why am I here? How did I get here? Why does it all have to end? How could it possibly be that my mind will be obliterated some day. It’s horrifying. How can death be real if you can’t comprehend it?
[Straper enters with a briefcase. He is Michael’s roommate. He wears a 3-piece suit.]
Straper
Mr. Mander. [Pause.] And friend.
Michael
Hey, Straper.

Straper
I trust your day has been constructive and productive. [He looks at the mail.] No need to answer that. My back is sore. [Straper exits to his bedroom.]
Philip
Whoa, man.
Michael
Yeah.
Philip
Very scary.
Michael
Straper is a tool of the military-industrial complex. They’re grooming him for the Presidential race in 1996.
Philip
You know this? You know this for a fact? How do you know this?
Michael
No, I’m kidding.
Philip
Whoa, man. Shouldn’t kid about that stuff. Wheels within wheels. Deals within deals. [Greg enters. He meets Straper reentering from their bedroom.] I heard about this kid in the Old New Quad was recruited by the CIA because they knew the kid had the specific right talents for this one particular job which they figured they would have to pull someday. [Greg and Straper exit to their bedroom.] Wheels within wheels, man. Kid never even graduated. Just disappeared and one day everybody looked around and said where the hell did he go? Everybody thinks the CIA killed Kennedy. Or does he maybe run the CIA.
Michael
[Pause.] Now wait a minute. Kennedy is dead. The man is dead.
Philip
That’s just what J Edgar Head and all his little Hoovers want you to think. Psychohistory, man. The theory implies you could predict the future, maybe even engineer the future, engineer it a particular way. Sirens of Titan, man, by Kurt fucking Vonnegut. In which the whole history of mainkind is manipulated by a space traveller marooned on Saturn who needs a spare part for his rocket ship, so he engineers human civilization from Ancient Egypt on so we will become space travellers and deliver a spare part to his space ship on Saturn. [Pause for effect.] Hey, man. I don’t know but political naivete is just one more weapon for the secret elite.
[ Door to Greg’s bedroom opens. He is listening.]
Michael
Wow. This is definitely superior weed, Philip. So how much?
Philip
Well, it’s sixteen a lid which I know is a lot but it’s primo mexicali. I mean it ain’t gold or anything but if you hold it up to the light [He does so.] you see the little blonde threads running through it? And it totally fresh. I put it under the 40 power scope [He produces a microscope from his backpack for effect.] for you and you see no little white crystals of ammonia which give it the characteristic moldy smell. In fact I got a shipment of Jamaican due in real soon and I can give you a real good deal on that, like I do all my regular customers, OK? So, it’s sixteen for the lid but I’m telling you this stuff will take you there and bring you back alive and what more can you ask? There is no more.
Michael
No more, no less.
[They exchange money for a lid of pot.]

Philip
So Ok. The deal goes down. It’s been a business doing pleasure with you, Michael. Dig you later, man. [As he goes] Any time you want a good rap, man.
Michael
Yeah. Ok. Thanks, man.
[Greg enters with an enormous carbureator style dope pipe.]
Greg
You have made contact with a visitor from another world? Yes? An interstallar nomad bearing stores of holy weed? Yes? And you have wisely replenished our supply of geranium 232, the illegal weed atom? Yes?
Michael
Should be a good addition to the blend.
[Greg empties all but a small amount into a large dresser drawer and mixes it in.]
Greg
So let’s get wrecked. [They proceed.] Who was that dude?
Michael
Just happened to strike up a conversation coming out of class. He’s read a lot of philosophy. Somewhat unusual.
Greg
Somewhat schizoid, I’d say.
[Straper enters from bedroom.]
Straper
Hey, Michael. Who was that, Cochise? Guy looked like an Indian.
Michael
Oh, ho yes. Very good. Come on, we have to encourage him when he tries to make a joke.
Straper
Hey, Michael. He looked like an Apache brave for chrissake. Oh, man. I will be in my private office if anybody needs me. [He exits.]
Michael
Don’t forget to flush.
Greg
So, bad news. My parents are coming down next weekend. [Pause.] Did you hear what I said?
Michael
Hunh? Oh, yeah. What?
Greg
I said my father is coming down next weekend. Inspection tour, peptalk, total invasion of privacy blitzkrieg type of thing.
Michael
So, yeah. That’s bad news. Oh, no and that means…
Greg
Yes, exactly. Really Great Lydia and Only Slightly Less Sensational Margaret. I’m afraid so. I have to cancel. I am disconsolate.
Michael
This is incredible. I am never going to lose it.
Greg
Well, I think you’re jumping to conclusions here. We will reschedule with the ladies from Vassar at a later date and you will have the opportunity to misplace it after a mere postponement. Or perhaps you will meet a compliant young miss right here on campus, one who appreciates your sensitive mind, and you will be unable to locate it without further ado.
Michael
God, man. I need more dope. This is a major disaster.

Greg
Major Disaster. I served under him in the Mekong Delta, Took a shell to the head during the Tet offensive Good thing he wasn’t wearing a helmet at the time, he might have lived.
[Fred and Frank poke their heads in the door of the suite. They are a pair of charmingly, lacadaisacal and nerdy drug-adddicts who are inseparable.]
Fred
You guys wanna do some nitrous? Hunh? Wanna do some nitrous? Frank’s got some nitrous. No shit. He won’t even tell me where he got it. C’mon. It’s great. You guys wanna do some?

Michael Greg
Go away, Frank, will ya. No, man.

Fred
You guys don’t wanna do some nitrous? It’s fucking great.
Michael
We’re busy, Ok? Just go away, Ok?
Fred
Everything all right? You guys Ok?
Michael and Greg
Go away, Fred.

[Straper reenters from bathroom.]
Straper
That’s one small turd for a man. One giant turd for mankind.
[ They laugh unexpectedly at this.]
Michael and Greg
Straightperson!
Straper
Well, if I knew it was that funny I would have invited the press.
[They are hysterical.]

Michael Greg
God, man. Oh christ.

Straper
Well, I’d like to stay and entertain you boys some more but I think I’m constipated.

Fred
Strapes, let’s do organic molecules tonight, what do you say?
Straper
You’re the fourth person whose asked me.
Frank
We beg you, Straper.
Straper
You’re the first person who’s begged me.
Fred
That’s because we recognize a truly great pre-medical mind.
[He sings the theme from Dr. Kildare.]
Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum.
Frank
[Simultaneously with the music.]
Man. Woman. Birth. Death. Straper.
Straper
Well, since you put it that way. Perhaps. But first I have a question. Can any of you recommend a good laxative?
Greg
Well, that is a tough one. Why don’t we run that down to the computer center and plug in a few parameters.
Michael
Of course we know the anwser.
Greg
Should we tell him, Michael?
Michael
What do you think Gregory?
Greg
Strapes, the oldest and best laxative in the western world is marijuana. A guaranteed ass-rush followed by a general loosening of the rectal aperture.
Straper
I’ve never heard this. Is this for real?
Greg
It goes back to the arabic medical tomes of the dark ages.
Michael
It’s in the upanishads, man.
Greg
Jesus, that’s right. The upanishaps, the oldest, religio-medico-political texts in existence. [Straper comes a little closer.] Now don’t come too close now Straper unless you’re absolutely willing because I’m sure you know that each molecule of dope is capable of killing ten brain cells. I would hate to see you reduced to a drooling junkie on account of a temporary water shortage in your large intestine.
Straper
How many actual molecules are there in a lungful. Let’s see. Six times ten to the 23rd molecules of air in a liter and two liters in a lungful, so there are clearly more molecules of burning marijuana in a lungful than there are cells in both your brains put together. Smart guy.
Greg
[Gross out druggie voice.] Now there are. But there didn’t used to be.
Straper
Although actually not all the molecules that oxidize are active and not all the molecules in a lungful are marjuana smoke.
[Greg makes “the thinking noise.”]

Straper
Oh please. Not the noise. I suppose I’ll have to pay cash if I go to the drug store [He checks his wallet which is in his briefcase.] which means I’ll be short this weekend. Unless I can get to the bank to write a check. [He checks his watch. He checks briefcase for check book.] The most efficient route would be the drugstore then the bank, but I might not make the bank by closing time. Maybe I should go to the bank first, then the drugstore, then back here. Then I have to go ¾ of the way back to the bank to get to dinner. [By now both Michael and Greg are doing the thinking noise.] Unless I spend an extra three dollars and have dinner at the drugstore. Except that puts me way overbudget for the week. Or I could borrow money for the drugstore, skip the bank entirely and then [Crescendo of the thinking noise.] You gentlemen are an affront to primate evolution. [They stop.] So I have twenty-five minutes til the bank closes, which means I have ten minutes to borrow five dollars.Should I ask one person for five dollars or five people for one dollar?
Frank
Or two for two-fifty.
Straper
Please don’t confuse the issue. I haven’t got time. Maybe I should just go back to the bathroom and risk a breakthrough. Live dangerously. [He starts to exit. Comes back for his briefcase.] Get your notes, fellows. We can do two things at once.

Fred
[As he leaves, to Greg] You were really smart to get out of pre-med. [Fred and Frank follow Straper out.]
Fred
[Offstage.] Look out.
[Offstage the sound of someone falling down.]
Frank
[Offstage.] That was not my fault.
Michael
How come he’s so fucking smart?
Greg
How come he’s so fucking stupid?
Michael
I really wonder. In the overall scheme of things. Who is the moron, us or him? The day he leaves this place he will be offered enormous sums of money to do completely meaningless stuff and he’ll be happy. He has no right to be happy. I bet he’s never even thought about it.

Greg
You know, you don’t have to have your entire life figured out by the end of sophomore year.Your problem is…
Michael
No your problem is.
Greg
No. no. I know what your problem is.
Michael
You know what your problem is? I’ll tell you what your problem is. Your problem is you don’t know what your problem is.
Greg
Your prob---
Michael
Your problem is….
Greg
Your prob---
Michael
I’ll tell you what your problem is….
Greg
All this metaphysical jazz and ancient revered Zen doodah is getting to you. You gotta lighten up.
Michael
Your problem is you don’t understand the goddamn oriental mind, general. [Pause.] Man, am I wrecked.
Greg
Do one more?
[Collins and Grandy enter. They are a pair of freaked-out jocks from the country club/yacht club side of New England. They silently peer from either side of the door with lacrosse stick ‘weapons.’ Joe takes a lacrosse ball, ‘pulls the pin’ with his teeth, and lobs his grenade into the room. They make fairly infantile explosion noises, go to the fourth wall windows and pour fire out of them. M-16 noises.]
Grandy
Sarge, Sarge. This burg is crawling with gooks. It’s an ambush. [Fire throughout this.]
Collins
Call HQ. VC patrols have cut us off from the Physics quad. The observatory is in communist control.

Grandy
I’m hit. I’m hit bad. I can’t feel anything below the waist.
Collins
[Into his shoe.] HQ, HQ. Do Copy? Do you copy? Jeez, This radio smells like dog shit.
[They stop, stare at each other, breathing hard.]

Grandy
Hey listen guys this is great. Me and Collins here have decided to drop acid for the game tomorrow. This is so great. We are dropping half an hour before kickoff. And guess what? That means that by the end of the first quarter, the entire defensive backfield will be peaking their asses off. No shit, man. No fucking shit. We got it figured out perfectly taking into account the increased athletic activity which speeds up metabolism…
Michael
So how are ou going to play the second quarter?
Greg
Are you guys out of your tiny little minds?
Grandy
Yeah, but don’t tell any one. Ok? No one’s supposed to know, Ok?
Greg
That you’re out of your mind?
Grandy
What? Hey, hold on here? What’s happening here? Am I acting weird?

Michael Greg
God, man. Jesus.

Collins
You guys want some? Excellent visuals. Extremely smooth.
[Collins zooms his hand in front of Grandy’s face]
Grandy
Whoa. Wait. Whoa.
[They zap each other, grab each others’ hands.]
Grandy
Yow. No. Wait. Do that again. But slowly. Ahhhhh.
Greg
Good stuff?
Collins
Windowpane. I got lots.
[ He throws a tab in Greg’s mouth.]

Greg
Hey. I swallowed it. Grandy!?
Michael
Greg?
Collins
[ To Grandy] Yeah, man. That’s one less soldier for the Czar!
Greg
I can’t believe you did that. What am I…?
Grandy
Nice move, Marsolais.

Michael
Real funny guys. What are you going to do? [Pause.] You could stick your finger down your throat?
Greg
It looks like I’m tripping. Doesn’t it, Grandy?
Grandy
Yep. ‘Bout an hour from now you will be.
Greg
I don’t suppose it ever occurred to you that I’ve NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!
Grandy
Uh, nope. How ‘bout one for you Commander? [He puts a tab on the table.] We better get out of here.
Collins
See ya, space cadets.
Grandy
Yeah, really.
Collins
You didn’t have to swallow it, Greg. We’ll come back and check on ya, later. Ok. Coast clear? [They are at the door peaking out.] Cover me. Yaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
[M-16 noises]
Grandy
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Michael
Are you really going to do this?
Greg
Well it sure looks like it.
Michael
You could barf it up.

Greg
I’m not gonna barf it up.
Michael
Maybe you should.
Greg
Maybe you should join me.
Michael
No, I don’t know.
Greg
Why not? Might as well.
[Collins reappears for a second in the door.]
Collins
You know, without chemicals life itself would be virtually impossible. [And he is gone.]
Michael
Why don’t you just barf it up?
Greg
Probably too late by now.
Michael
Well I’m not prepared for this.
Greg
Well I can’t stick my finger down my throat
Michael
You can’t or your won’t?
Greg
I can’t
Michael
You mean you can’t because they’ll know or you can’t because you can’t.
Greg
I think we should just do this.
Michael
Well it probably is too late now.
Greg
So?
Michael
So what?
Greg
So do I have to do this by myself or what?
Michael
[Pause.] Will I see God?